Alone? Naturally
by SciFiGeek14
Summary: Jack introspective set after Children of Earth. Spoilers for COE and Doctor Who. This is my first Torchwood fanfic, so be nice please. Jack POV. Song: Alone Again Naturally by: Gilbert O'Sullivan. Minor spoilers for all TW and Doctor Who seasons.


Title: **Alone? Naturally.**

Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood, or Jack, or the Doctor (Wish I did)  
Setting: After COE

Warnings: Spoilers for COE and Doctor Who. This is my first Torchwood fanfic, so…be nice please.

Song: Alone Again (Naturally) By: Gilbert O'Sullivan

* * *

How did I end up like this again? Watching people live the life I wish I could have everyday while I'm stuck all on my own again. Here I am, sitting on a park bench in the middle of bloody Cardiff, starring at the gaping hole that used to be my entire life's work. Sure, UNIT had promised to rebuild it, but it wouldn't be _my_ TORCHWOOD, not really, not anymore.

I'd been a part of great teams in the past but none of then measured up to **my** team. Losing Owen and Toshiko last year had been real rough on us, but we had survived by keeping their memories alive. We had hung up pictures and made sure they weren't forgotten. Lost to the world. All those precious trinkets and photos were gone now. They lay forgotten beneath the rubble. My hub, my team, my TORCHWOOD, gone.

_In a little while from now,  
If I'm not feeling any less sour  
I promised myself to treat myself  
And visit a nearby tower,  
And climbing to the top,  
Will throw myself off  
In an effort to make it clear to who  
Ever what it's like when your shattered_

It was really more Gwen's TORCHWOOD now. Ah, Gwen. Gwen has everything; a loving husband who's not to bad in a crisis (I wonder if he'll want to sign on after this), a baby on the way (I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. Maybe they'll name it after me), and now she has TORCHWOOD. It is a sad but true fact. I am sorely jealous of Gwen Cooper Williams and her perfect life.

Something tell me that Rhys is going to be a bit of a stay at hone father for awhile since its going to be mighty rough fielding a new team and rebuilding TORCHWOOD from the ground up (actually, from below ground level really). Part of me hopes that it will be too hard and she'll call me up to come and save her, but she's no damsel in distress, and she sure as hell doesn't need me. She may thinks she does, but I know better. Rhys will take care of her and together they can have something I can never have: a normal life.

_Left standing in the lurch, at a church  
Where people 're saying,  
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!  
No point in us remaining.  
May as well go home."  
As I did on my own,  
Alone again, naturally_

To think that only a week and 3 days ago had been the highlight of life. I had TORCHWOOD; I had my best mate Gwen and my lover Ianto who was so much more to me than just a simple lover. We had dedicated our lives to it, and both loved it. Loved it too much. I think that I may have loved him. I think that I would have settled down with him; had a proper family. That is to say, as proper a family as two men can have in the ruddy dark ages of the 21st century.

_To think that only yesterday,  
I was cheerful, bright and gay,  
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,  
The role I was about to play_

And then everything I had blew up in my face, quite literally, actually. The evidence of that explosion lay all around me. I shook my head in disgust the hole in the ground where my base used to be. When I came back to Earth from the Gamestation I had nothing but the fabulous coat on my back and my dashing good looks. I had worked my way from the bottom up. Now I find myself with a gaping hole in the ground, I have to fill before I can even reach the bottom level.

I can't believe that Ianto is dead. Maybe I have a hole in my heart too. I guess I'd always figured I'd lose him eventually, just like I lost Estelle. I just never figured it would be so soon. Ianto was so young. He had so much like in him, especially in bed. He didn't deserve to die. I guess that is one of the things that come with being immortal. I get to meet hundreds of wonderful people and I get to lose them all. I guess this the reason why the Doctor doesn't do domestics. If you get too close to someone it only hurts you all the more in the end.

_But as if to knock me down,  
Reality came around  
And without so much as a mere touch,  
Cut me into little pieces  
Leaving me to doubt,  
All about God and His mercy  
For if He really does exist  
Why did He desert me  
In my hour of need?  
I truly am indeed,  
Alone again, naturally_

And that's why the only person in the entire universe who will ever understand how I feel is the Doctor. He and I we are two of a kind, even if I'm a fixed point in time and he's in flux. Out live all your friends; check. Killed innocent people for the sake of the world; check. Lost our family; check. The only one of your kind (I don't exactly count myself as human anymore); check. In fact, I think I might try to get my teleport working and go and find that handsome devil. Maybe we could wallow together and travel to distant planets. He understands. He lost Rose; I lost Ianto. He sacrificed everything he had to stop the forces of darkness that threaten everything and to keep those evil wackos at bay. He too had lost the people closest to him.

_It seems to me that  
There are more hearts  
Broken in the world  
That can't be mended  
Left unattended  
What do we do? What do we do?_

My family. I snorted at this thought. Which one? Dad and Gray? I haven't seen my father since, well, that day. And Gray, his body was blown up along with all the other bodies in stasis in the TORCHWOOD vaults. I had let him down again. As I child I let him go and he lost his mind because I let him down. And when I was given a second chance I couldn't make things right. Frozen isn't the same as saved. Now I won't ever get a third chance.

Then there was my grandson, Steven. Oh God. I killed my own grandson! I can't blame Alice for not being able to look at me. I sacrificed her son. That was how much I'd lost my humanity. That was how much of a monster I'd become. I'd forgotten that just because I can't die, I'm not a God. I've been acting like one, and a vengeful God at that. Who am I to choose who lives and who dies?

_Now looking back over the years,  
And what ever else that appears  
I remember I cried when my father died  
Never wishing to have cried the tears  
And at sixty-five years old,  
My mother, God rest her soul,  
Couldn't understand, why the only man  
She had ever loved had been taken  
Leaving her to start with a heart  
So badly broken  
Despite encouragement from me  
No words were ever spoken_

Not even the Doctor has that power. I mean, sure, he saves as many people as he can but he's lost so many. I'll never forget that haunted look in his eyes when Davros asked him how many people had died for him. I wonder how many have died for me? It's been so long, I don't even remember; I've lost count. I don't think the Doctor has. I think that Timelord remembers every single person who has lost their lives because of his actions.

I think that it tears at his hearts every second. It's a wonder he doesn't go insane. Especially when he's all alone, like I am now. I know that I would so anything to get back those I'd lost. Wouldn't anyone rip apart a giant hole in the walls between the universes and fight a 1,000 Daleks to get back their love? Or is that just Rose? I know I would if I could. But you can't bring back the dead, not really (been there, done that, have the scars to show for it).

_And when she passed away  
I cried and cried all day  
Alone again, naturally  
Alone again, naturally_

Am I doomed to be alone forever? I suppose the Doctor would know, perhaps we can be alone together? I suppose we can't wallow together forever. He'll get a new companion and leave to go show off to her. And it _will_ be a women, a beautiful and smart as his pinstripes woman at that, because the Doctor only takes the best. I guess I'll find someone too but not forever. Even at the end of the world, I'll be alone. Well, unless I run into the Doctor and Rose, I heard they went.

* * *

**Author Note: Well, there it is, my 1****st**** Torchwood Fanfic. No flames please. Reviews are love. I own nothing…well…not "nothing" I wrote it didn't I?**


End file.
